Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
