I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
