i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
