I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
