I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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