Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
