just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
