There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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