oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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