I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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