I met the friendliest cop last night
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
