opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
