I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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