I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
