Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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