You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
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