I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
