I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
