Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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