Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
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He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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