Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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