I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm getting married
To pizza
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
