textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
