No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
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I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
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The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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