I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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