if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
