Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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