I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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