He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
