I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
