He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
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