Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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