I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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