Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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