Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
