I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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