So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
