mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
