Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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