Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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