im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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