I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
should my penis look like a turkey
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
