How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
