no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
