She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
