awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
