everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
