an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
