Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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