I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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