i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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