The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
