He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
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It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
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He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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