She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
