I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
