tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
