The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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