dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
