I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
