ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
